So here's the truth. I've been going through some sort of 1/3 life crisis. Sometimes I feel like crisis, is too strong of a word, and what I', experiencing is more of a malaise, or general dissatisfaction, or angst, but sometimes it does truly feel like a crisis.
I can't pinpoint one specific cause for my "condition". There's so much going on, and there are lots of issues on which I can lay blame. There's the crazy uptick in my chronic pain. I'm not sure if it's hormonal, or due to lack of sleep, but it sucks, and it's depressing as hell. I hate being 34 and feeling like I'm 84. There's the lack of sleep, due to Penelope's dislike of...sleep. There's our financial situation, which is better than it was a year ago, but that's not saying much. And no, I don't want to go into details, because that too, is depressing as hell.
I feel like I'm questioning myself at every turn, and in every way possible. Am I a good mom? A good wife? A good friend? Am I a good anything? What the hell am I anyway? I feel so completely mired in my own personal disappointments, that everything else has taken a back seat to my crap. Worse, that everything else has been shoved into the damned trunk of my figurative car.
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling so utterly incompetent, and impotent, and whiny. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but that's where I am.
Maybe I just need to embrace it. Let the self-pity, and misery, and self-doubt, wash over me. Give myself permission to dive into them, head first. Maybe allowing myself to do that, will let me see the ladder in the deep end, or maybe, I'll just realize that I can stand on the tips of my toes, and still keep my head above water.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
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8 comments:
Sorry you are feeling this malaise. Who could blame you with chronic pain and no sleep? That would be enough without a new baby to take care of. Indulge in some wallowing, then get some girlfriend time soon, sans baby and sister.
Mothering small children can be stressful - but this too shall pass. Hope you feel better soon.
I don't know you, but I can't stop thinking about this post. Maybe it just helped to vent on your blog, or maybe you need some support.
At the risk of being branded a concern troll, I have a few ideas I want to toss out for you to think about. Of course, I only have your blog and tweets to go on, so these comments may be way off base. If so, please forgive me!
1. Would you consider enrolling C. in kindergarten? My SIL now homeschools her 3 kids (age 8 - 12) but they all went to kindergarten through 1st or 2nd grade. At the time the oldest was first enrolled, I think my SIL needed a break from having 3 littles at home and the younger 2 "calmed down" she reported. Even if the school curriculum is not what you hope for, she will still learn a few things and have fun. You can homeschool and challenge her next year.
2. Noting the 3% weight percentage - was C's growth similar. Again, I have some life experience that might apply. I was a nursing mom and entered a very stressful time when my milk dried up. My son keep nursing and sucking so hard, I thought I had thrush since I was so sore. A visit to the peditrician - and he suggested that I wean, which was the right decision for us (as my son had just turned two), but since you didn't mention colic, might P be hungry?
Please don't be offended, I'm not judging or nagging and don't know all the details. But I didn't want to keep silent when a new mom needed help. Another thing that helped me was the La Leche League, my group also formed a toddler playgroup and babysitting coop.
Good luck with your beautiful girls.
@Karen, you are very kind to be concerned, and I'm not at all offended.
I did consider enrolling Charlotte in Kindergarten, but I really think that not having her here, would make me feel worse. Penelope is actually doing well, she's just slender. No colic. Charlotte had reflux, and it was a nightmare until we got in under control.
I do have a good support system. My husband is awesome. I have good friends, and I love going to LLL meetings. I think that this is a temporary thing. I need to find a new GP, and get this pain under control. I think that once I do that, everything else won't feel so overwhelming.
I want you to know that you are a great friend and always there when I need you. For what it's worth I think you are a great mother but from experience I know that needs to come from within, not from someone else. We all hit low spots emotionally now and then. I usually watch one of my old favorite chick flick dramas and cry my eyes out. Then I feel better. Another thing that helps is to read news stories about child abuse and neglect. Always makes me feel like mother-of-the-year.
Love you!
Gee thanks, now I'm crying :)
Glad you have a good support system in place! Hopefully seeing your dr will help during this low time.
Have you considered post-natal depression? Some of what you're saying -the self-blame and questioning - really sounds like what I went through when I had depression at its worst. Everything felt incredibly overwhelming, I was unable to focus on the good things, and I blamed myself for failing at everything. I really felt like my life was over and I had wasted it.
I'm not trying to push my diagnosis on you, so I hope it doesn't feel like that. You're under a lot of stress in your life situation right now, and it might just be a sane response to it. It might help to repeat positive things instead - I was told to repeat them until I believe them, and while I still don't, it does help to consciously stop to think of good things. One thing I found particularly helpful was "list the things in your life that are good enough today". That's an admission that some things aren't so good, that maybe nothing is like you wish it were, but some things are good ENOUGH.
You're not a failure. You're an amazing person. You've given me hope and you're a good Mom, I can tell that just by your blog. *hugs* I hope you feel better soon.
(Also, venting on your blog can be a helpful way too ;))
@Deniselle, you're so awesome. I'm hugging you right back. I did consider that this might be PPD, but it really doesn't fit with PPD criteria. I think that once I get this pain addressed, and start sleeping more, I'll start feeling better. I also want to start some sore of physical activity, but the lack of sleep really puts a cramp on that sort of thing.
I love you suggestion, of making a list of things that are good enough. I'm going to do that, as well as a list of things that I know that I am good at. I'll keep it somewhere handy, so that when I'm feeling especially low, I can remind myself that not everything is horrible.
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